So I think I'm going to start calling this The Passion Blog. It seems to have become more of a journal for my passions in life... Not just photography. Yes, photography and business are two HUGE passions in my life; however, God and family are passions that sometimes rock my world a little more. So if you take offense or become nauseated by hearing about the personal side of my life, move on. But as your photographer, this is me- take it or leave it. Moving past the passions of photography, business, and sports, (Don't worry, I got my sports fix tonight by hanging at the ballpark then coming home to Sports Center to see my Rangers get their 9th straight win.
WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?) I move on to God and family....
My absolute most favorite date in the whole wide world is going for a long drive, windows down, listening to music, and just talking. I pray God blesses me with a man one day that understands that and treats me to this perfect date. However, that man has some competition because tonight, I had the most perfect date.... with God. Call me weird. I could care less. It was amazing. After a long day, I decided I was going for a drive at 10ish. As usual, everyone freaked, called me crazy, and told me to be safe. I haven't a clue where I ended up but I know that I found big city lights that didn't belong to the city of Temple. After ten thousand and two "U Turns", I found my way back home. It was a long drive but greatly needed after the past 24 hours. God and I just talked. I had my music jamming with the windows down. It was perfect. At one point, I became nauseated as my heavy foot and the curvy roads didn't mix well together, but overall, it was simply amazing. I can't say that enough.
So, in all my blabbing about this divine date, I promise there is a reason... at least I think so...
Reflect back to my blog back in September... you can find it here...
http://rebeccacrockerphotography.blogspot.com/2009_09_01_archive.html .
At this point in life, I had just found out Daddy had cancer. Ever since the day Mom passed, losing Daddy has been my absolute biggest fear. So after this news, my world was forever turned upside down, but God reminded me of his Perfect Plan. Here I am dealing with junk in life...again. However, after this drive, God reminded me of His amazingness. I know God has me on this earth for certain reasons, and I truly believe with all the mess that has been brought into my life, I am on this earth to encourage and share my testimony. My girlfriends refer to me as "Yoda, The Wise One" as I'm constantly dishing out advice. As often as we laugh at it, all I can do is thank God for all the stuff I've been through so I can truly be an encourager & good friend to those in need. Who knows if this blog will encourage you, maybe it's just for me. It might not even make sense, but I feel God wants me to share.
So... guesssss whaaaat....
Daddy has cancer... again.
Yeah, here we go...We actually found out a month or so ago. The doc encouraged us not to think much of it, so we (the fam) have been strong and positive. However, in the past 24 hours, we've been knocked down a little. That's just reality, y'all.
Let me throw in the curve ball to this bad boy mix. I received a phone call from Daddy last night. "Mom has a tumor"... ARE YOU KIDDDDDING ME?!?!? It is benign(thank you, Jesus!) but it still didn't settle well. Who likes tumors? Especially growing in BOTH of your parents. Lame. First, I was pissed, then after a while, I talked to God a little. I went to sleep with some sort of a peace and woke up with the thought of "Bring it on, God!". They say don't ask for things specifically.... gee, how I wish I hadn't.
Next phone call from Daddy came today at work. Actually, back it up before the call... I received a stupid text from him updating me about his scheduled check up today. Everytime I complain about his texts, he laughs saying to be happy that he is 56 & can text. How I wish that man never had a clue about technology. "Pick up the dang phone, Father! " It's a rule in my family (established after my random road trips to Destin, FL) that all kids must call when we are crossing the Texas state line. Well, we, the children, made a rule that our parents must call when health issues happen. Too bad parents don't have to listen to their children cause my father constantly ignores this rule. Anyway, after I ignored the ridiculous text on the way to work, I went on with my day. I finally talked to him on the phone as he informed me that the cancer is still there (surprise, surprise...), and they will have to do surgery. I was mad. I don't hate much, but I truly hate hearing my father STILL trying to be the rock of our family when he just needs us to be the strong ones for once. Beginning of the conversation, I was strong and postive. By the end, after hearing Daddy's struggle in being the strong one, I teared up. I finally just told him I loved him and hung up. I needed to be the strong one. He didn't need to hear me hurting. In all honesty, I am SO beyond grateful that it's not any worse than what it is, but tonight, I had a pity party. Dad has cancer. Mom has a tumor. Cool. NOT! After many distractions at work today, I came home feeling strong. I walked in to my darling home, and there were my darling roommates staring at me. Luckily, I was distracted by a phone call with Mom at the time. Gaw, how my heart truly hurts for that woman after she has already lost one husband to cancer. However, it was time to hang up the phone with Mom. My distraction was gone, and there were the roommates to bring out the true emotions. I love them, and they want to be there, but as they openly admit, they haven't a clue what I'm dealing with. We talked a little, then I went to my room and cried my eyes out into my pillow. I hurt. Bad. Not really for myself, but mostly for my family. They are my everything, and I just wish this all made sense. Some of my family members have their faith in God, some are struggling, which in all honesty, is totally understandable. We, as a family and as individuals, have been through a pile of mess as tall as the Sears Tower, but all I can do is encourage them to talk it out with God. After realizing no one else could fully comprehend my feelings and hurt, I then decided it was time for me and God... the one who COMPLETELY gets me, so I went for my drive.
I can't sit here and explain every detail of this drive cause you just won't get it, but let's just say that I serve an AMAZING God. The songs he played for me tonight were just perfect. As I pulled over after another rush of tears hit me(yes, I will have swollen eyes tomorrow...), God gave me a beautiful song.
"We pour out our miseries,
God just hears a melody.
Beautiful, the mess we are,
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah."
How stinkin' cool is that?!?! No matter what is going on in life, no matter how tall your Sears Tower pile of issues is, no matter how many times you've broken down and cried during the day, you have Someone that wants to hear your cries. Think about your absolute most best friend in the whole wide world. Think about the tie you have with them and how you've been there for them ten billion times. NOW, remember that one time when they just wouldn't shut up and your mind went into outer space thinking about what shoes you were going to wear the next day. Cause let's be real and honest (my favorite way to be), as sinful humans, we can get sick and tired of hearing someone whine; however, this amazing God loves us so much, I could do this 511020 times during the day, and He loves it...He desires it... He wants me to talk to Him ALL THE TIME.
Wow.You feelin' me? Cause I'm preaching a little. mmhmm.
Now, I don't plan on breaking down that many times tomorrow; I think I covered it enough today, but I just have to share that we are so loved. It's a love so strong that our minds can't even begin to comprehend the strength behind it. And maybe you could care less about what I'm saying, but it truly will be my prayer that at one point in your life, you will experience this Amazing Love. Back to being real, I lost my mom at the age of 8. God blessed my siblings & I with an amazing woman who has come into our lives to be a mother figure.. and she is sick. I have a father whom I adore for the courage and strength he has had... he is sick. I could be flat out misterable right now, but over allllllll that yuckiness, I have MY FATHER who loves me...always. He gets me, and he brings true joy into my life... even during all this craziness Yes, when it rains, it pours.... but God, I will praise You in this storm.
After the past year or so, dealing with my oh-so-lovely divorce and being thrown back in the vicious world of The Single Life, I've learned a thing or two. Before "the one" comes along, build your relationship with God... then a healthy relationship with yourself will follow suit. God will eventually bring along that perfect person for you...not a perfect person, but a perfect match. Who knows when that person will come along for me - Lord knows everyone gives me crap for the standards I hold for the man that does come along; however, until then, I am SO loving the relationships I have with God and myself. Life is yucky right now, but it's so cool to feel the most amazing love of all, and learning these crazy lessons in life. His plan is perfect. Thanks Big G for a magically beautiful, perfect date tonight. Thanks for listening to my cries and seeing the beauty in it. And finally, thanks for allowing me to probably not make any sense to anyone else reading this blog, but still totally getting me. You are my number one passion, You rock, and I will continue to share that. Be encouraged, friends. And PLEASE pray for my parents. I adore them.
Gracias.
